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  • feedwordpress 18:23:44 on 2017/05/23 Permalink
    Tags: Audible, , , , iTunes, , trust, Where Should We Begin   

    My New Podcast: Where Should We Begin? 

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    It’s been an exciting week. I am very proud to announce the launch of my original audio series, Where Should We Begin?.  A co-production with Audible Originals, the series is perhaps my most creative project to date.

    Too often couples live like isolated islands.

    We think what we’re experiencing in our own relationship is unique to us, and we don’t know that our neighbors and friends are experiencing the same longings, laments, deprivations, and disillusionments in their own lives.

    There is no school for relationships — no place for us to learn the tools for rebuilding and repair, to learn to straddle the many contradictions that roil in all of us. Where Should We Begin? is a way for me to create meaningful, deep, and open conversations.

    As you listen to these intimate, unscripted sessions between real-life couples, I think you will find the language you’ve been looking for to have conversations with the people in your own life.

    Listen to the entire series (with new episodes every Friday) for free through mid-July at audible.com/esther.

    On a personal note, I am incredibly grateful for the overwhelming support of our community. It takes a village. There are so many people behind the scenes helping to make this happen. We wanted to create this show to give people a language to understand themselves and their relationships, and it’s humbling to see people responding positively.

    The series is currently #4 on iTunes. You can read more about the behind the scenes of the series in this interview with Vogue. Or a clinical perspective on how listening to other couples’ sessions can help your own relationship on Psychology Today.

    For additional listening, enjoy my wide-ranging conversation with the one and only Tim Ferriss about sex, love, and commitment on The Tim Ferriss Show. And lastly, check out This American Life episode #617 where host Ira Glass listens to two people trying to break through what’s going wrong in their marriage.

    With gratitude,


    The post My New Podcast: Where Should We Begin? appeared first on Esther Perel.

  • nmw 10:57:01 on 2017/03/01 Permalink
    Tags: choice, choices, choose, choosing, , , online, , , , , , trust   

    You may find glorious freedom on the other side of a decision 

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    It is easier to make a choice when you acknowledge that there isn’t just one person for you, nor is there just one relationship and one life we can lead. We simply pick one.


  • feedwordpress 13:00:05 on 2015/06/19 Permalink
    Tags: , past, trust   

    Establishing Trust: Talking About Your Past 

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    A dilemma we all grapple with to one degree or another is telling a potential partner about our past. Will you still accept me, love me and find me desirable if you know me? This can be something as serious as cancer, or it can be parents who went to jail. STDs, Gambling. A history of sexual or physical abuse. A parent who committed suicide. Even something that’s not necessarily negative, like a fetish. The list goes on. Let me focus on men for a change.. How men carry secrets is so rarely addressed. These secrets carry shame, fear and the worry of not feeling worthy: worthy of being fathers, worthy of being touched and loved. Men don’t get permission to talk about it. So we need to figure out how to establish trust and reveal information about ourselves. Everything will depend on how you feel about who you are and how comfortable you are with the secret. Remember, it’s different if you’re explaining something from a place of victimization or heroism. If you emphasize how you overcame a situation, how you grew from it, how it became a resource in your life, then you turn shame into strength. This type of revelation differs if the information directly affects the other person. It’s much different to tell a person you have an STD versus telling them your father was in prison. One will affect your partner more than the other. The first date probably isn’t when to have the conversation. If you disclose the information too soon, you’re likely to be judged and a potential partner may not want to deal with the complications that your history might bring. If you wait too long to disclose, you risk your partner feeling that you’re not being honest, that you’ve withheld important information. You need to use your gut to know when a potential partner has a sense of what you have to offer in relationship before it feels like you’ve been withholding. Consider the other person: How mature are they? How will they take news that takes away the easy ride of the romantic story? Start by asking your partner questions: How do you decide when and what you share? Have you ever said anything you regretted? Do you wish, at times, you had been more forthcoming? This will lead into the conversation, a way of entering into the arena. You’re touching the walls, seeing where they’re hollow, and finding entry points that are more inviting. You’ll sense very quickly if this secret frightens them, or if they remain curious and open. Be patient: they may pull away initially, but become less reticent later. Don’t immediately react or regret opening your mouth. Accept that some people will find this grounds for not wanting to continue. That’s a blessing in disguise. If they tell you that upfront, you don’t have to spend time wondering and living in ambiguity. And while you are wondering how you will be sharing, realize they probably have something to tell you, too. When we are invested in our own dark side, we don’t always realize that others have a dark side, too.

    The post Establishing Trust: Talking About Your Past appeared first on Esther Perel.

  • nmw 15:39:16 on 2014/04/24 Permalink
    Tags: , betray, betrayal, cheat, cheated, cheating, moral, morality, morals, , , partnership, partnerships, , , trust   

    “No” to the status quo 

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    I would like to invite you to imagine that sometimes you need betrayal to upset a wrong social system. We think sometimes that other forms of betrayal have the moral high ground. I have a lot of people who come to my office who think that they are the virtuous people because they haven’t cheated. They have just been neglectful, indifferent, contemptuous, asexual, demeaning, insulting, but they haven’t cheated. But betrayal comes in many forms. Betrayal is a breach, the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence. While it is always involved in an affair, in most cases it isn’t the motive of the affair. An affair may be about completely different things but it implies betrayal. That is the context in which I’m looking at infidelity.


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