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  • feedwordpress 18:15:06 on 2017/04/21 Permalink
    Tags: Blog, , , , Gender Vocabulary, , Language of Gender,   

    The Language of Gender: Beyond Boy and Girl 

    From the debate around bathrooms to transgender celebrities on magazine covers, gender has become the new frontier for self-expression and self-determination.. The sexual revolution is far from over, but the gender revolution has arrived. An entirely new vocabulary is emerging for people to understand the differences between body, sex (i.e. anatomy prescribed at birth) and gender.

    So how do we begin to talk about gender? How do we understand gender beyond the simple binaries of, boy and girl, man and woman that we have been raised with?

    Similarly to sexuality, it comes down to linguistics. When we have the language it helps us identify who we are, but more importantly, it helps us understand the other. When we only have two categories and think in shades of blue and pink, we end up stigmatizing and rejecting those who don’t fit  these boxes.

    We need a glossary of terms to navigate the colorful spectrum of possibilities. With that in mind, National Geographic released a stimulating issue on gender at the beginning of 2017, in which they redefined gender in a glossary of 21 terms (although there are many more that could be added).

    Having a vocabulary is crucial. Language shapes our experience, it gives us access, understanding, emotional resonance and meaning. So let’s begin with a few terms from Nat Geo as we expand our understanding and join this cultural revolution:

    Genderqueer: Someone whose gender identity is neither man nor woman, is between or beyond genders, or is some combination of genders.

    Cisgender (pronounced sis-gender): A term to describe a person whose gender identity matches the biological sex they were assigned at birth. (It is sometimes abbreviated as “cis.”)

    Intersex: An umbrella term that describes a person with a genetic, genital, reproductive, or hormonal configuration that does not fit typical binary notions of a male or female body. Intersex is frequently confused with transgender, but the two are completely distinct. A more familiar term, hermaphrodite, is considered outdated and offensive.

    Check out the entire piece to begin to understand the gender revolution. And look out for next week’s blog post in which we’ll talk about why gender is so important and the deeply seated roots of our old gender binary system.

    How do you define your gender? How has the gender revolution opened your mind or challenged you? Let me know your thoughts.  


    Photography by Robin Hammond/National Geographic

    The post The Language of Gender: Beyond Boy and Girl appeared first on Esther Perel.

  • feedwordpress 12:24:51 on 2017/04/14 Permalink
    Tags: Blog, , Esther Moments, Finding The One, , , The One,   

    Finding “The One” 

    “How do I know when I’ve found The One?” – Austin, Baltimore, MD

    This idea of finding “The One” is problematic for relationships. The paradox of choice creates a real sense of anxiety for people looking to find a long-term partner. The expectations of one person to satisfy all of our many emotional, physical, and spiritual needs is a tall order for one individual. 

    Perhaps, instead of looking for a person who checks all the boxes, focus on a person with whom you can imagine yourself writing a story with that entails edits and revisions. As a reminder, there are no perfect stories. 

    How do you continue to re-write your story with your partner? I’d love to hear your story in the comments below.

    Photography: Keith Morrison

    The post Finding “The One” appeared first on Esther Perel.

  • feedwordpress 18:39:59 on 2017/04/07 Permalink
    Tags: Blog, , Emotional Intelligence, Relationship Dynamic, , Trip, Vacation, Work   

    Love in The Age of Cuba 

    I have just returned from a trip to Cuba with my family. It was partly vacation and partly work. As Cuba reinvents itself after 60 years of socialism and teeters on a precipice about to plunge headlong into capitalism, I noticed some interesting contrasts between their culture and the US.

    I don’t want to sentimentalize the Castro regime and all that has happened in the past but much of what I saw spoke directly to my work with relationships.

    Here are a few observations about Cuba that we can learn from:

    Instant Gratification vs. Emotional Depth

    I live in New York City where the corner deli, Amazon Prime Now, Uber Eats, etc. can deliver every desire, at any hour of the day. The consumer culture of the West is intensely focused on immediate gratification, on achieving, on owning things.

    In our atomized and digitalized society, when we want something (or someone) it appears before us in an instant – often for purchase on a screen.

    But Cuban society has existed for over half a century without advertisements, internet connectivity, and without instant gratification, which has created an environment in which people develop sophisticated social and emotional intelligence.

    Cultivating Inner Joy

    When you watch Cubans move down the street, you can see they have cultivated what Chen Lizra eloquently describes as “sabrosura” – an inner joy. In the US we are constantly bombarded with ads while Cubans, on the other hand, were bombarded with indoctrination. No signs of Apple, Gap, or Pepsi, instead, endless slogans about the revolution, and pictures of Che and Fidel.

    It’s interesting to note that we think of the messages Cubans received as propaganda and our blinking billboards as the glorious free market. This lack of advertising in Cuba has changed the way people move and interact. Women in particular, in Cuba, have not had to measure themselves by exacting standards of beauty – so when they sashay down the street, it’s not the size of their backside that matters but their inner radiance.

    Human Connection is Powerful and Unavoidable

    I went to a party with over 300 people in Cuba – as we moved through the energetic crowd, the people around us were looking at each other, talking to each other, dancing with each other.

    My son and his friend who are in their 20s immediately turned to me and commented that – unlike their friends at a party – no one was tethered to their phones. It struck me that even though we live in a digitalized world where our screens are glued to our hands, human connection is all-powerful: at some essential level we still need to meet someone, to talk to them, to interact, especially in order to seduce them. And the fact that dating is not second job, but a game of intrigue, surprise, and playfulness – swiping has turned the intrigue of meeting people into bored shopping for humans.

    In Cuba, they are doing this the way we were 15 years ago – as they gather in the streets and stroll the malecón – and because of that they have more finely tuned social skills.

    If we see Cuba as a representation of our essential human need for connection, it’s clear that loving and leaving someone still happens in person.

    Sexuality is Self-Expression

    In a totalitarian regime like Cuba, where historically the state controlled people’s lives, partners, sex and marriage have become major areas of individual expression and autonomy.

    That is why I found that discussions around sexual infidelity were far less taboo on the latin island.. Infidelity is one of the few areas of individual freedom; transgressing in this way is not controversial.

    Notably, Cuba also has one of the highest divorce rates in Latin America.  Why is that so? It’s simple to get married, and equally simple to divorce. In  a society where no one accrues wealth or owns property or things, it’s much easier to separate – there is no division of belongings.

    In a similar system, in the Soviet Union, women initiated 97% of divorces.

    In Cuba, marital relationships emphasize emotional fulfillment and there is barely any economic reliance. “If one is not met emotionally, why be married?” explained one of the local female psychologist. Without the need for another’s economic support, why stay and continue doing their dirty laundry?

    Have you travelled to Cuba? Or do you have thoughts about what relationships were like before social media and smartphones? I would love to hear your thoughts below.

    The post Love in The Age of Cuba appeared first on Esther Perel.

  • feedwordpress 13:00:33 on 2017/04/01 Permalink
    Tags: Blog, , Leonard Cohen, ,   

    Quote of the Month: Desire 

    The old are kind.

    The young are hot.

    Love may be blind.

    Desire is not.

    — Leonard Cohen

    The post Quote of the Month: Desire appeared first on Esther Perel.

  • feedwordpress 16:24:53 on 2017/03/24 Permalink
    Tags: Blog, confirmation bias, conflict, , Fight smarter, , , smart   

    Fight Smarter: Avoid the Most Common Argument Patterns 

    “Once in awhile I am late and my boyfriend takes it so personally. I can understand why he gets upset but he blows it way out of proportion and it triggers our biggest fights. How can I convince my man that it’s not about him?” – Paul, Fort Collins, Colorado

    This month we have been delving into the messy, uncomfortable and unavoidable issue of conflict – from the phenomena of kitchen sinking to moving beyond bickering.

    No relationship is free of conflict.

    In the same way that we are comprised of swirling atoms – positive and negative charges that attract and repel – two people are forces orbiting each other, moving towards and away, trying to find a way to coexist and take shape in the world.

    There are two parts to Paul’s question.

    The first is the fraught nature of his boyfriend’s response to his lateness. The second is that Paul wants to “convince” his partner not to feel the way he does.

    Unfortunately, we cannot decide for another that their reaction is out of proportion. When it comes to arguments, it is dangerous to think of oneself as the barometer of sanity or the arbiter of overreactions (i.e. “I think you’re taking this way too personally”). Let go of any assumptions you have about how people should or must react to you. It never bodes well.

    Now to the meat of Paul’s question…

    There are patterns in arguments that are well recognized that I see over and over again. Here are three patterns Paul and his partner, and all of us, can examine as we think about how to fight better.

    Check your Bias

    Damian, Paul’s boyfriend, is convinced that Paul is late on purpose. I can hear the tenor of this argument: “You know how much it upsets me,” he may say to Paul. “Clearly, you behave this way because you don’t respect me.”

    This assumption is known as confirmation bias where we pick up evidence along the way to confirm what we think is true, and disregard any evidence that will challenge our conclusion, and make us reconsider our worldview. It doesn’t matter how many times Paul has been early or taken special care to be on time, the instances where he is late are magnified.

    So why do we persist in thinking other people don’t care about us when they are often trying to convince us that they do?

    Because we organize our reality around these confirmation biases – they create order for us, structure among the chaos.

    Paul, don’t justify, don’t explain, don’t make excuses, give Damian space to be pissed off. Acknowledge his frustration. Simply say: “I know how much you hate this” and “I understand completely that you would feel this way when I’m late”. Leave the other person with the meaning that they have invested in the situation, with the space to feel the way they do and stay connected to them amidst the conflict.

    And for Damian (and all of us) think of the times when Paul has done the right thing. See my previous post about keeping a log for an idea on how to emphasize the positive.

    Cut Out the Character Assassination

    When I do something wrong (like arriving late) it’s typically circumstantial. But if you fail me, I attribute it to your character.

    Damian is convinced that Paul’s lateness is a character flaw; evidence of how disrespectful, uncaring, disorganized and distracted he is. Paul, no doubt, has an entirely different view of his behavior based on the day — for instance, “the subway was stalled” or “I really had to finish this report before leaving the office”.

    We call this fundamental attribution error where we attribute our mistakes to the context but the ones of our partners are rooted in their faulty personality.

    Another way to phrase this is: I am perfect and you are not.

    I suggest a good dose of humor when this pattern appears in your relationship.

    Avoid Always & Never

    Conflict often creates a contraction between couples, a rigidity, leaving little room for flexibility or nuance. “You’re always late,” says Damian. “You never acknowledge what I do for you,” Paul will fire back.  

    These always and never statements become factual – as if what we have asserted is empirically verified data.

    One important thing to understand about couple’s communication is that a lot of what is presented as fact is actually an intensification of someone’s experience.

    When you say “never!” or “always” to someone, the first thing they will do is disagree, citing a contrary example from the past.

    Don’t shift your feelings into pseudo-factual talk. The best thing you can do in an always/never situation is say, “It feels like you do this all the time. Probably you don’t but in this moment, I feel like it’s so.”

    For more information on relationship conflicts, read my blogs on kitchen-sinking fights and breaking the bickering cycle. Tell me about the patterns you recognize from your own behavior and from your relationship.

    The post Fight Smarter: Avoid the Most Common Argument Patterns appeared first on Esther Perel.

  • feedwordpress 22:34:52 on 2017/03/21 Permalink
    Tags: , Anger, Bickering, Blog, Chronic Criticism, , , Happiness, , , ,   

    Video: Stop Bickering. It’s Killing Your Relationship 

    “We bicker all the time, she’s so critical of me and I don’t feel like I am doing anything right. What should I do?” – Anthony, Boston

    The artist Louise Bourgeois once described her tumultuous experience as a child at the dining table listening to her parents fight in this way: “To escape the bickering, I started modeling the soft bread with my fingers…. this was really my first sculpture.” And while conflict may have lead to great art for this artist, in most cases, it can be the constantly replaying soundtrack of a distressed relationship.

    Anthony’s question is powerful because it is so common.

    I think of bickering as low intensity chronic warfare. Ongoing criticism can lead to the demise of the relationship. And if we criticize as a way of asking to be loved, well then we will often produce precisely the opposite effect of what we seek: to be loved and to feel good about ourselves. If we spend much of our time feeling lousy, unloved, devalued, inadequate and inept, we are on the wrong side of the tracks. So what can we do to reset this negative pattern?

    Pay Attention to What’s Working

    When I went to school in Belgium, the teacher would mark our mistakes in red pen. Our mistakes were highlighted; our achievements rarely noted. When our relationship is in distress, we tend to overlook the good and overemphasize the bad.

    To counter this, try keeping a daily list of everything that your partner does that is positive, everything that you appreciate, everything that you can be thankful for. Do this for ten days in a row.

    Each note can be as simple as: “Made me a cup of tea” or “Locked door on way out”. Instead of elevating the annoying, elevate the minute details of your partner’s generosity and thoughtfulness.

    Focus on what is working. Pay attention.

    The ratio of appreciation is crucial to a good relationship. Take the log one step further and make a big deal every time the other person does something positive.

    This will kick you out of a defeating cycle of negativity. And will motivate your partner towards acts of kindness.

    Let Yourself Be Vulnerable

    What’s important to understand about criticism is that it sits on top of a mountain of disappointments of unmet needs and unfulfilled longings.

    Every criticism often holds a veiled wish. When your partner says to you, “You’re never around”, what they may actually mean is “I’m lonely, I miss you when you’re not here.”

    When Anthony’s partner tells him he never brings her along when he goes hiking, what she is also trying to tell him is “I wish we would go hiking together”.

    I recommend that Anthony and his partner both say what they want and not what the other did not do.  

    Often I suggest this to couples and they complain, “But I already did exactly that and I got nothing”. Try again.

    It is tempting to launch into anger instead of experiencing the vulnerability of putting yourself out there, asking for something and waiting for the possibility that you won’t get it.

    For many, anger is easier to express than hurt. Anger can feel like a confidence booster and an analgesic. Yet the more we communicate through anger, the more anger we get in return, creating a negative cycle of escalations.

    Reflect & Take Responsibility

    If you have ever done any breathing exercises, or yoga classes, you may have noticed that there is a space at the end of each inhale and exhale. A moment to pause. Similarly, economists and psychologists often encourage this moment of pause before making a large purchase.

    Instead of shifting into instantaneous blame, take a moment to shift from reaction to reflection.

    Why are you angry? What do you want? Instead of going for the jugular. Take responsibility for what you feel and state it.

    When couples come to therapy and they are in escalating cycles – things change when each person begins to take responsibility. This is true for both Anthony and his partner.  

    How do you experience chronic criticism in your relationship? I would love to hear your personal stories – feel free to leave a comment below. And next week we will take relationship conflict one step further and explore how confirmation bias can affect our partnerships.

    The post Video: Stop Bickering. It’s Killing Your Relationship appeared first on Esther Perel.

  • feedwordpress 08:00:02 on 2017/03/10 Permalink
    Tags: Blog, Conflicts, , Fighting, Kitchen-Sinking, , Q&A, , Relationship Conflicts,   

    Video: How to Avoid Kitchen-Sinking Fights 

    <iframe width=”560″ height=”315″ src=”https://www.youtube.com/embed/AvkGdeAodvQ” frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen></iframe>

    “Every time we fight my husband and I keep bringing up all kinds of old, dirty laundry. How can we fight better” – Nora

    When my son was a boy, he once said to me, “Mom, if you’re upset with me, just tell me, you don’t have to list every single thing I ever did”. Out of the mouth of babes comes wisdom. His request perfectly addressed what I like to think of the Kitchen Sink approach to fighting.

    The well-worn journey to the Kitchen Sink usually starts with one dish, or in one criticism. And then leads to another dish being piled on top. It often starts with an innocuous complaint: he didn’t take out the trash, for example. It then continues on to the last time he did the same thing, how he doesn’t seem to notice that you’re sharing an apartment which is typical because his family is completely self-involved, to which he might reply that your family is self-involved and on and on it goes. Until you have both started piling up of grievances that have happened to you for the last five years.  

    One innocent dish has started the fight and a pile of dishes has been stacked on top of it. And when you pile up all the dishes, the situation has built into an impossible stack of grimy plates to tackle. When each issue is heaped on another, we find that we are unable to discuss anything in particular – the argument has no focus. The initial complaint has become a deluge and whatever irked us in the first place has become irrelevant. Not only does this pull us towards the past, over which we have no control, but also destroys trust. As Clifford Notarius and Howard Markman write in We Can Work It Out, “kitchen-sinking is an excellent foul-fighting ploy that can drag down a conversation in no time at all.”

    Living with someone is one of life’s great joys and challenges. As Alain de Botton points out, in none of the “19th-century novels about love does anyone ever do the laundry, does anyone ever pick up the crumbs from the kitchen table, does anyone ever clean the bathroom.” But these are the tasks we are faced with when we live with the one we love. So, we have chosen our partner in the war against household grime, now how can we stop repeating these patterns and fight better as a couple? I can’t promise you these tactics will always work but I do know that the Kitchen Sink approach will always fail you. What do you have to lose?

    Stick to the point at hand

    Let’s say you want your partner not to slop water on the bathroom floor when they shower. Instead of framing it as an accusation, you can ask for what you want. For example: “Would you mind drying the floor after you shower?” You might find, for once, that your desire is met. Instead of drilling down on this point and adding to it, stay with the first issue. Don’t pile on dirty dishes about the past, the future, your children and the laws of physics which prove it’s not your fault that water flies around bathrooms. Life at home, you may find, is less slippery when the floor is dry.

    Focus on behavior, not character

    Not taking out the trash or arriving home late are actions. They are not the proof of the kind of person your beloved is. Behavior describes something a person has done. Be careful you don’t confuse actions with the essence of who the person is as you will find yourself unraveling into an escalating barrage of accusations.

    Love the one you’re with… and let them know

    If you can convey to your partner that you like them, even though you don’t like the behavior they have enacted, then you are giving them something dignified to hold on to. And they can begin to take responsibility for their actions. For instance, “You look cute in a towel but I don’t like it when you splash water on the floor” is very different to “You always make a mess”. It may be hard to summon feelings of kindness when you are faced with someone else’s peccadillos but remembering that you like them will also have the effect of neutralizing or transforming the situation into one where humor, lightness and ease are possible.

    I would love to know what kind of kitchen-sinking conundrums you and your partner get into. Or how have you found a way out of conflict. Leave me a comment below. And next week we will delve further by exploring how we can go beyond bickering.

    The post Video: How to Avoid Kitchen-Sinking Fights appeared first on Esther Perel.

  • feedwordpress 14:00:13 on 2017/03/01 Permalink
    Tags: Blog, erica jong, ,   

    Quote of the Month: Love 

    “Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.” — Erica Jong

    The post Quote of the Month: Love appeared first on Esther Perel.

  • feedwordpress 14:00:30 on 2017/02/24 Permalink
    Tags: apps, Blog, , , , how to choose a partner, , , technology,   

    The Paradox of Choice: How to Choose a Partner 

    “I’m currently in the early stages of dating three people that I met online. Each of them has interesting and attractive qualities. I only want one life partner. But how do I know I’m choosing the right person?” – Jim, 35

    Online dating can be overwhelming – as your dating apps twinkle and beep and blink at you, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the choice of millions of potential partners. In this second article of my two-part series on online dating, we will explore the paradox of choice.

    Roughly 40 million Americans are looking for love on the Internet. To put that in relative terms that is about the entire population of Poland who are scrolling the human market, which offers row upon row of shiny, eclectic human beings to chose from.

    The online world has opened up circles of possibilities – concentric rings that ripple beyond the tiny villages of the past where you had a handful of mates to eye across the square. The beauty of an app like Tinder is that it works in place of your grandmother (whose ancient rolodex may limit her matchmaking potential) and replaces her with an algorithm. This has opened more avenues for human connection, but it has also created confusion. This confusion comes from the vast swathe of people to select, which creates uncertainty and self-doubt. After all, how can you know the person you settle on is the right choice when there are so many other options?

    Not long ago, anthropologist Helen Fisher and I had a stimulating debate on the Ted stage about whether or not technology has changed the way we love. I believe the need for love is ubiquitous and universal but the way we love is changing fundamentally.

    Our previous model of duty and obligation has shifted to free choice – emphasizing individual rights, self-fulfillment and happiness. But this rushing tide of high ideals often washes us out of our depth: we are drowning in cognitive overload, floundering in the uncertainty and self-doubt that comes with choice.

    Here are some ways to tease out your thinking about decision-making and online dating that will help you deal with the paradox of choice.

    Do the Curiosity Test

    Curiosity – a counterpart to desire – can be a great indicator of your interest in another person. When you are curious and interested in another person, they appear to you like a great novel: you are so captivated that you want to turn the page and read the next chapter.  You want to know them more intimately; you want to see them again. So instead of asking yourself if you have certainty about the other person, and interrogating all aspects of your future life together, ask yourself: am I curious?

    You may also ask: How do I feel in the presence of this person? Do I feel understood? Do I feel enhanced? Do I feel more interesting when I talk to them? Do I feel more beautiful? Great novels, like great art, elevate you and engage you in the mysteries of life. If you have zero curiosity, then you know that you are not in the right place.

    Be the Partner You Want

    Jim and so many others are asking themselves: is this other person right for me? Turn this question towards yourself. Remember, you have agency too – you are the co-author of the story between you and the other person. Love is not just about finding the right person; love is an action, a verb. Think about the kind of lover you are going to be, rather than just focusing on the kind of lover you want. How are you going to practice love with the other person?

    Embrace Ambivalence

    There is a mistaken hope that we will meet someone who is going to be the rejoinder to our uncertainty. They will calm our inner rumblings and anxiety; they will turn our heads from away from an attractive person who passes us on the street. We place impossible demands and expectations upon our future beloved. We want someone to completely captivate our imagination and free us from our fears.

    I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but this person you are dreaming of is a mythical creature, a beautiful illusion that simply does not exist. You will find more happiness when you allow for some ambivalence – maturity is the ability to live with the not knowing, not to erase it. This notion can be an epitaph for life and love.

    Free Yourself by Making a Choice

    The paradox of choice is crippling. The hundreds of profile photos that can be swiped through give a sense that there are always other options. But when faced with a multiplicity of options, in order to move forward, we need to choose. Choice frees us up. It allows us to breathe. Instead of placing the emphasis on the other person and whether or not we trust them, we need to trust ourselves.

    It is easier to make a choice when you acknowledge that there isn’t just one person for you, nor is there just one relationship and one life we can lead. We simply pick one. Of course, we all live with longings for unlived life and the people who we passed over. I believe this is true whether you are dealing with arranged marriages or the free choice market.

    So make a choice and make the best of it. You may find glorious freedom on the other side of a decision. And the beauty of freedom is that it’s your life to lead.

    I am curious about your online dating conundrums. Do you have too many or too few choices? If you found someone online, how did you ultimately choose that person? Let me know in the comments below.

    The post The Paradox of Choice: How to Choose a Partner appeared first on Esther Perel.

  • feedwordpress 16:09:06 on 2017/02/17 Permalink
    Tags: Blog, curiosity test, , , , , , ,   

    Video: How to Address Uncertainty in Dating 

    “How can I be certain I am making the right choice when I start dating someone I meet online?” – Joy

    I’m sorry to disappoint you, Joy, but the certainty you’re looking for is hardly possible in the beginning. In fact, all that uncertainty is part of the excitement. The start of relationships are ripe with the delicious elements of curiosity, the unknown, the mystery of meeting someone new, and the vulnerability of it all.

    In our commodified society, a date is no longer an open-ended exploration, but an intake interview to see if a person matches your pre-determined check list.

    We are overwhelmed by the paradox of choice, and want so badly to find happiness. We are drowning in cognitive overload, floundering in the uncertainty and self-doubt that comes with limitless choice.

    The only way you will become certain about a potential mate is simply by spending time with that person. Discovering, communicating, asking questions, sharing experiences and getting to know them. And if you really want to get to know somebody, challenges, crisis, and loss will give you a view like no other.

    Try keeping yourself open to a gradual unfolding of the many layers of a person. Allow yourself to be surprised. You may discover something you didn’t even know you were looking for.

    Here a couple ways to gauge your early connection:

    The curiosity test

    The level of curiosity you have about a person is a great indicator of your interest. If you are captivated and want to learn more, that’s a great start. If you have zero curiosity, then you’re probably not in the right place.

    How you feel in the presence of this person

    Do you feel heard and understood? Do you feel expanded? Are you present? Do you feel beautiful?

    If you allow yourself that uncertainty and openness, rather than forcing yourself to know right away, it will ease a lot of the anxiety around choosing the right person.

    How do you feel when you first meet someone new?

    The post Video: How to Address Uncertainty in Dating appeared first on Esther Perel.

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