even though we live in a digitalized world where our screens are glued to our hands, human connection is all-powerful: at some essential level we still need to meet someone, to talk to them, to interact, especially in order to seduce them.
It is easier to make a choice when you acknowledge that there isn’t just one person for you, nor is there just one relationship and one life we can lead. We simply pick one.
http://www.estherperel.com/the-paradox-of-choice-how-to-choose-a-partner
Engage in the delicious play of flirting and teasing your potential date through words but also try accelerating the meeting process. Send a message
https://www.estherperel.com/how-to-deal-with-online-dating-fatigue
We talk about:
– Why do happy couples cheat?
– The language of infidelity
– How modern marriage is evolving
– My definition of an affair
https://www.estherperel.com/aspen-ideas-festival-infidelity-and-the-future-of-relationships/
If you disclose the information too soon, you’re likely to be judged and a potential partner may not want to deal with the complications that your history might bring. If you wait too long to disclose, you risk your partner feeling that you’re not being honest, that you’ve withheld important information.
http://www.estherperel.com/2015/06/establishing-trust-talking-about-your-past
Like Rachel, many women need to start by getting to know the guy, see if they like him, if they enjoy his company. That is quite different from gauging if you are attracted to someone or making sure that he is attracted to you. Discovering your similarity of interests and values, the sense that he is interested in you, the person and not as a means to an end – all of these are better predictors of qualities that lead to having a relationship.
http://www.estherperel.com/2015/06/we-just-met-i-like-you-how-do-i-tell-you-about-my-dark-secrets/
If we feel insecure and unattractive, in our fantasies we are irresistible. If we anticipate a withholding woman, in fantasy she’s insatiable; if we fear our own aggression, in our internal reveries we can feel powerful without worrying we might hurt another.
What is the difference between love and desire?
Love and desire relate and conflict:
Love is: When you care, worry, feel responsible for someone. You want to minimize threats, reduce the distance, and nurture them.
Desire is: an expression of freedom and autonomy. Many can feel freer with people they are less emotionally involved in. Why do women like the bad boys? You don’t have to worry about him – don’t’ feel safe with him, but it’s freeing in terms of desire.
http://www.estherperel.com/2015/03/how-to-distinguish-between-love-and-desire
Ironically, some of America’s best features—the belief in democracy, equality, consensus-building, compromise, fairness, and mutual tolerance—can, when carried too punctiliously into the bedroom, result in very boring sex.
http://www.estherperel.com/cultivating-erotic-intelligence-in-couples-therapy/
I would like to invite you to imagine that sometimes you need betrayal to upset a wrong social system. We think sometimes that other forms of betrayal have the moral high ground. I have a lot of people who come to my office who think that they are the virtuous people because they haven’t cheated. They have just been neglectful, indifferent, contemptuous, asexual, demeaning, insulting, but they haven’t cheated. But betrayal comes in many forms. Betrayal is a breach, the breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust, or confidence. While it is always involved in an affair, in most cases it isn’t the motive of the affair. An affair may be about completely different things but it implies betrayal. That is the context in which I’m looking at infidelity.
http://www.estherperel.com/multicultural-consideration-betrayal-has-many-facets/